Our Face: My Parents and Me

22659_541880955070_1191390_n

Since my last post, I decided I wanted to start bringing in a more personal side of myself to this blog. Since that decision, I have had a hard time deciding how to do it. It involves somewhat unique experiences that have permeated so many areas of my life that choosing where or how to start has been overwhelming. But I have to start somewhere so I’ll start with the toughest part. I’ll begin with the people that made me, my parents. The reason I want to talk publicly about them is because we all have complex relationships with our parents, and that’s okay. Mine has been somewhat unique in that it has in part been based on my own circumstances of having been born with facial deformities. I want to share some of that relationship because the experiences I’ve had of being born that way, are not only mine, but theirs as well. I bring them into this, not only as a way of sharing with you my experiences under the knife, but as a way of expressing that I know my struggles are not my own and that they are constantly there with me.

After having been going to therapy in NY for a while, my parents started questioning the reasons behind it. They questioned the effectiveness since I’d been going for a couple of years and saw no end. In order to ease them on the idea, I invited my mother to come along with me to a session in one of her trips to NY. After having struggled to explain why it was a good thing I was going, my mother confessed something during our session that changed everything for me. She said “We’ve actually been waiting for it.” Meaning, she and my father had been waiting for the day my experiences under the knife would get to me. This not only made me cry, it calmed me.

My mother went on to explain to my therapist that when I was born, my mother told my father that they were going to do anything and everything they had to do to make me feel as normal as possible. That turned into over a dozen of reconstructive surgeries (I don’t actually remember the number now) from ages 5 to 20, travelling miles within the US, meeting some of the US’s most important doctors, weeks or months away from school, having had my mouth wired shut for two months, looking funny with weird apparatuses on my head, awkward interactions with curious strangers, and a lot of confusion about myself. I’ll be honest about something; there was also a lot of anger. Mostly towards my parents.

When I was younger I saw them as the culprit for my experiences. I blamed them not only for who I was but what was, as I saw it, being done to me. We now laugh at some of my childhood behaviour. We talk about how I would hide my mother’s keys to make her late for work or how I would say I hated green eyes (she has green eyes). But by the time I started opening up to my therapist in NY about my experiences in the surgical room, I also began talking about it a little more with my parents. When I was depressed, they were to blame, but when I felt better, they were and are my heroes.

I was often angered by the idea that they wouldn’t let me feel bad about myself. They were there and were supposed to be the ones to understand. But also, they were there. It hadn’t occurred to me how scary it was for them. Of the few memories I have (I’ve blocked out a lot), one of the more intense ones is having woken up from surgery, confused, not being able to move or properly see, and having my father shakenly hold my hand while we both sobbed. Another one is them attempting to blindly screw in a surgical screw in my jaw while a laid on their lap in pain. Another is them watching me frantically squish a fry into my wired-shut mouth out of frustration and hunger. By my twenties these were not my memories anymore but theirs. Mine now involve my experiences with having low self-esteem which continue to affect my everyday behaviour, theirs are the actual events that happened to me. I had dismissed this part.

I often become so self involved in my problems that I dismiss the reasons why they can’t deal with that fact that I have had problems. They dedicated so much of their money, time, and sanity to making me feel as beautiful and normal as possible that I can now understand their struggle. I could say that I am now happy and grateful but it’s still complicated. What I can say is that this journey of mine has made me think twice about how I deal with my situation. Yes, it happened to ME. But it also happened to them. And that is a complex relationship. For more that I have wanted them to accept everything I feel, I also have to accept what they feel. That has been the biggest lesson of having my face. When I started going to therapy, I was angered at the fact that after a while they started disapproving of it. My parents struggle to understand why I have had issues accepting myself but having had that session with my mother made me realize that they struggled too. At 24 I finally got to hear a little bit of their side of the story. It wasn’t easy either. The year after, I found myself rebelling in different ways and, I can now begrudgingly admit, attempting to get their attention through it. It made me feel petty and childish but it was based on this complex relationship I reference. It’s weird to look back at my behaviour and feelings in the past and admit to myself that much of it depended on my relationship to my parents. But this is because what happened to me also happened to them.

Some days I still struggle with myself. But that’s okay too; it’s been a long journey. But I also have to accept that the reason my parent’s struggle with this is because they love me that much. It’s been a journey of accepting that they did everything they could in order to see me be as happy as I can possibly be, while accepting that it came with a price. My parents are my heroes because they make no excuses (I have plenty for us all). While it was difficult for them to put me through the ordeal of surgery, they did it because they love me, period.

Most people in my life don’t know this side of my story. But it is the most important one. I’ve always made it about my emotional struggles and the mistakes I’ve made. But that is for me to overcome. The important part is that I can now step back a bit more everyday and see my experiences as shared experiences. It is not only about me, but about everyone that was with me during those experiences, particularly my parents. I haven’t made it easy on them and that is a fact they’ll appreciate me admitting. Unfortunately it was because they love me that much. I needed someone to blame and so I blamed the people that were there. The people that held my hand. The people that played with me in hotel rooms and called me beautiful. I needed to blame someone and so I blamed the people closest to me. For that I will always be sorry. But it was also because I love them that much.

11 Comments

  1. Patrick

    You left me speechless and wordless, if I can understand the difference between the two. This is a text to digest and read over and over again to try to follow the real meaning of each thought without preconceived ideas. It is just wonderful. Your parents are so proud of you and we are all so proud of you all. Love you.

    Like

  2. Sofia Garza-Barba

    Me encantó. La verdad te felicito por compartir esta historia tan personal, que a pesar de estar muy bien escrita, llega hasta el corazón de los que la leen. Love it! Te mando un abrazo.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Tatiana Suberville

    Dom. Te felicito por tu valentía al escribir este texto. Estoy esperando que se me pasen las lágrimas y suspiros para poder acabar de procesarlo. Te quiero.

    Like

  4. Gilles Suberville

    My dearest Domi,

    Beauty has as many definitions as there are people attempting to define it.

    For what it’s worth, I personally believe that beauty is inherent to whatever happens between someone’s ears (naturally or surgically provided) and mostly whithin someone’s ribcage. When it comes to beauty, thoughts and feelings are, by a thousand miles, the ultimate measuring sticks.

    Don’t ever let anyone (least of all  yourself) tell you otherwise.

    And then, there is that uncanny ability of yours to translate what makes you beautiful into candid, elegant, tear-jerking writing. In my book, that’s not only beautiful, it’s also damn hot.

    If beauty could ever be a contest, you’d be in a commanding lead. By about a thousand miles…

    Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Adriana

    Domi, poder ponerle palabras a tus sentimientos y compartirlas es un acto de mucha madurez y valentia. Pocas personas son capaces de hacerlo. Desde niña fuiste muy especial. Te ganaste el corazon de tus amigas y tus tias con tu sonrisa hermosa!!!
    Crecer no ha sido facil para ti, sin embargo te has convertido en una mujer fuerte, hermosa, exitosa . Has ido brincando obstaculos chicos y grandes. Tu camino no ha sido facil y afortunadamente siempre tuviste quien caminara contigo: tus padres.
    Te felicito y te agradezco que compartieras esta parte de tu historia, tienes mucho que dar y compartir.
    Desde niña robaste mi corazon y ahora lo vuelves a tocar profundamente, te quiero y admiro mucho. Eres una belleza!!!
    Tu tia Adriana

    Liked by 1 person

  6. ma. angela elizondo

    No tenía idea! Gracias por compartir.

    Yo siempre te he visto como una niña muy bonita inside and out! 🙂

    Te admiro y te felicito por tu valentía para escribir esa experiencia públicamente.

    Te mando un fuerte abrazo.

    Like

  7. Luis Suberville

    Estimada y querida Domi, lo que eres ahorita es porque asi es tu naturaleza, nosotros tus padres solo te dimos la mano de apoyo, no importa tu aspecto fisico lo que importa es tu “yo interno” eso es lo que traías desde antes de habernacer, todos tenemos nuestros demonios y nuestras agustias, pero tu las has manejado de
    manera abierta hacia el mundo cosa que muchos de nosotros no somos capaces de hacerlo ni en privado ni con nuestra mas querida

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s