This time, I chose.

I’m having a surgery. I don’t know what number it is out of what I believe are over a dozen since I was 5. And I haven’t had one in almost 8 years. It’s the longest time I’ve had between each.

Those before this one were 95% not by choice except the one time I threw in a rhinoplasty since I was already going under for other reasons. My nose had always bothered me so why not. It was nothing in comparison.

Each surgery was doctor recommended and parent motivated. I was strung along this “adventure” as I struggled to grapple with why other kids didn’t have to miss school, have tutors, or a round-the-clock nanny.

This stringing along often made me feel like an object that needed fixing. Like one of those dolls or handbags that comes out of a factory with a production error. Except I’m a person and you can’t return me and get a refund. As cynical as that sounds, it’s the best way I can describe how I often felt.

Since what I had thought was my last surgery, a lot has happened. All those feelings of helplessness and resentment finally caught up with me and I began to drown in everything that I had once ignored. It’s as if my mind and body had gone into survival mode throughout my childhood in order to be able to deal with what was happening. And once it came to a halt – the reality of it all finally kicked in.

After about 15 years of consecutive surgeries, it took me 7 years to process what had happened and come to terms with who I was. It’s year 8 and I’m putting myself through it again.

I had just moved back to Mexico and gained a little weight after quitting smoking the past year. I noticed that the side of my face with the production error was feeling a little heavy. I notice that my left cheek looked like it was slightly hanging. That’s when I realized the reality of my future.

With no real bone structure on the left side of my face and nature doing its one job, I came to realize that gravity would not be so kind to me. The aging process can already be somewhat daunting but to think of one side of my face melting off more so than the other just freaked me the hell out.

While I had taken so long to get used to my face, it suddenly dawned on me that it wasn’t over. Now, my fears aren’t about surgery itself but what’s to come if I don’t get ahead of the curve. But there is also a new fear. One that I hadn’t felt before.

I used to worry about what would come out of the OR after the procedures. But now I worry how my head will react.

After 7 years of struggling with myself and then finally coming out for some air, I found myself quickly deciding what I wanted next. And while it is something I want, there is a tremendous fear that I’ll go back to that place where looking in the mirror only made me angry.

My mother keeps trying to remind me that I should keep my expectations in check. After the first consultation with this new doctor, I wasn’t very pleased by his reluctance to say much. Logically I understand why, but emotionally I was upset and disappointed. It was the first time we met a doctor, sat in his consultation room, and explained what I wanted because I wanted it.

By the second appointment, without my prompt, he explained my fears about gravity and nature taking its toll. He explained the possibilities of what could be done and I left thinking, “I knew it.”

Pleased with what he had explained, all that was left to do was wait and waiting is no easier than the rest of it.

A bit over a month a go I had a couple of strange weeks where I felt myself reverting back to old emotions and habits. I found myself drinking a bit too much and stealing cigarettes from family members. But I’m not 20 anymore. While I have started smoking again, I got myself a new therapist and decided that if I was going to this I wasn’t going to let my anxiety and PTSD get in the way of me being okay.

7 years of experience with depression and PTSD can come with learning a lot about yourself. It helps you know beforehand when you might trip again. It helps you know that you need to put your hands in front of you before you land. It helps you prevent any harmful damage because: 1) You know what that looks like, and 2) You don’t want it anymore.

As of now, the surgery is scheduled. The waiting will soon end and I will have to deal with whatever happens when it does. I’m excited, nervous, and anxious all at the same time. I’ve never had a surgery that directly deals with what I was born with because I wanted it. This time, I chose.

While I still have that voice in my head that fears what may happen at the end of this month, I am using every tool, every experience, and every ounce of self restraint to stay as calm as I can. Because if there is one thing I have learned from all of this, it’s that I do have a choice.

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